.heart&soul.

when you’d give anything to feel okay, the bare minimum.. yet instead, you feel broken.. shattered.
swallowed whole.

left right up down

i don’t even know what direction i’m headed anymore.. ever.

my head is so all over the place.

i’m just sitting here in the car, just got home from the movies, & i cried the entire drive home.

i just feel so sad. something i haven’t let myself feel in a while. i normally try to channel the tears into anger & frustration.. but i just can’t anymore.

how could i trust someone & they betray me.. i just don’t understand. i never will.

i feel so closed off from everything, everyone.

i used to not date for a while because i didn’t want to. then i didn’t because i was scared. now it’s both. i don’t want to because i’m terrified. how can i possibly trust someone enough to want to hold their hand, cuddle, do lovey dovey things. just the thought of these “movie like” scenes i used to daydream of now make me cringe. i’m so messed up right now & my baggage is past the weight limit, i’m not convinced anyone is going to be willing to pay the extra fee.

i feel so lost. so confused. so down. i just feel so incredibly depressed.

i can’t remember the last time i felt like i had two really good days consecutively.

i feel so much, yet barely nothing at all. it’s like i’m numb. my outside is apparent but inside i’m screaming. i feel like my scream is so loud the world ought to be deaf by now, but that’s not the case.

i just want something. something so bad. i just want………

is the world awake?.. or just me?

sooo i should be asleep right now, but instead i’m laying here in the dark TRYING to process a million different thoughts at once..
speaking of, i read a sort of quote recently that says something about imagining 8762 (some number like that) tabs open on your internet browser & that’s basically how a woman’s mind is.. SO TRUE.
it seems to never stop. i’m already so hyper(active) so i feel like i’m always just going full speed until i eventually crash. i put the “active” like that because i’m certainly not physically active in the way i need to be. i’m just hyper as far as my heart rate seems to always be beating so fast, i talk {a little lol} fast.. i basically have a really hard time coming down & just relaxing.
i need to get this worked on but just like the other parts of my mental to-do list it’s kinda on the back burner.
i can say i had my first full session with my personal trainer yesterday {& i’m sooo paying for it today, my legs/butt hurt sooo bad!} so at least i’m trying to get active more. i need to change so much about my lifestyle physically [& mentally & emotionally.. bleh.] but more on this later ;}
i just want to feel like i can breathe again is all. today was actually a pretty decent day, some parts were even great & i needed that. i just want to be able to successfully have days in a row that i feel good about being alive ya know? it’ll come.. gosh i hope it’ll come.
well i really should get some sleep so i can run errands before work tmrw.

sweet sleep tumbugs {xoxo}.

if you’ll love me a little, i promise to love you more. if you’ll care for me a little, i promise i’ll care for you more. if you’ll stay by my side, just for a little while.. i promise to be by your side, a little while more.
get right, or get LEFT.

so recently, as in 2 days ago, i was having a conversation with a friend i’ve had for the last 6 1/2 years. we weren’t necessarily arguing, but we were more so having a disagreement of sorts. we had a bit of a falling out over these last few months over a number of reasons & very recently i got upset about something she did. not what she did actually, but what i didn’t know is more the case. so anyway, at this point we were trying to figure out if we were going to say goodbye or call a truce & just move forward. i told her i literally do NOT have the energy this year for any negative relationships. by the end of our conversation we had decided to keep the past in the past & move forward.

this blog isn’t really even about my situation with her, but about what i told her. i wasn’t kidding when i said i don’t have the energy for negative relationships this year. last year was one of the thee worst years i’ve had in my 26 years of existence, especiallyyyy the last 4 months of last year. only about 4 people know why that is, & it’ll probably stay that way until i get the courage to blog about that.. {maybe}.

i have just felt so drained physically, mentally, & emotionally in these past few months & realizing i allowed people to just add to the damage i was already going through did not help. people will do what you allow them to, treat you how you let them treat you. now i do think that saying that & ONLY believing that is not true. people will also treat you unfairly for things you have ZERO control over & i literally HATE when people say that’s not true. if it weren’t true then people wouldn’t kill, steal, rape, lie, cheat, etc.. some things are just out of our control. however, i need to get it together where i DO have some control. do i believe in forgiveness? of course i do. i also believe that some people will contionuously run all over you time & time again. i know there are relationships i have physically departed from in the last few years, but they still have a grip on me in other forms & i need to work on letting ALL of it go. ya know, sometimes i think when you don’t have closure on certain situations/relationships you start to wonder so much about the what ifs & why this person thought this or that, or why this person didn’t do this or why they said that. but i’ve also realized that if people have either let me go, or forced me to leave them alone then an explanation is now void. i don’t need a reason or an excuse of why things have ended up the way they are & i’m sure not gonna continue to pass out the why’s of why i’ve chosen to go certain routes. if you’re not in my life trying to make it better or be a positive person in my life, then FACT is i don’t need nor want you. {simple as that} i don’t say that to be cruel or brutal, i say it because it’s a definite statement. i NEED people who are going to support me, who are loyal & just, who can realize that when i’m silent it’s not because i’m purposely trying to push anyone away, i just have so much going on in my head & until i can get it out in a healthy manner i’m literally trying to save you from my mess. i think i’ve actually lost touch with a few people over these last few months just for this reason, they couldn’t understand why i was quiet or being a certain way.. i wish they would’ve had patience, but for some i don’t blame them at the same time. it can be tough waiting not knowing any answers. i get that, i do.

i start therapy monday {weather permitting now} & i am not one bit ashamed. i know i need it, it’s my last resort. {drinking every day all day for 4 weeks didn’t do the trick..} i actually told a close friend i was going to look into it & she replied “good, no offense” & i giggled. i told her none taken. i know i’m a wreck & i haven’t been quite this bad in about 6 years so i have to do positive things that will help me overcome the situations that have me in this place.

this year i want to build better good relationships i have & make them great. this year i want to rid myself of any negative people. i don’t need anyone’s permission or opinion of why i should or shouldn’t keep someone around. i know better than anyone else how someone else affects me.
last night someone was speaking at an event i attended & he said, “in order for someone’s opinion to matter i must value their lifestyle.” & i immediately typed that into my phone because he was on point. if the things you have to say, if the way you handle things, if the way i see you treating others…isn’t in a manner i believe is good & positive then why in thee heck should i ever let your opinion count in my life? yeah right. no more of that.

you can get right {with me}, or get LEFT (& no i won’t wait until next new year’s to leave you behind}.

toodles. [xoxo]

sometimes the things we desire most become the things we desire the least. it’s okay to stumble & realize that those things just aren’t within reach for now, to not even be thought of, but do not grow weary.. for the things we have desired the most, just might make their way back.
the sorrow & the soul.

the sorrow & the soul the only things she knows she can’t stay around for death trapped on the edge burning like wildfire to the tips of her toes she can’t feel anything she can’t love she’s not capable of what should be there you have to let her die in the inside to stay alive on the outside she doesn’t know how else to escape or to cope with the world she fears for her life but doesn’t care if she’s done falling spiraling coming down so fast hits her head severs her heart it stops beating there’s nothing left the end is near and she can’t hear a sound.

stay or go.

have you ever been so drawn to something or someone, but couldn’t decide if it was more good or bad for your life? maybe the actual thing/person wasn’t in itself unhealthy for you, but somehow grew to be? have you ever wondered what it would take for you to give it up, to just walk away? are you are strong enough? or are you so weak that you know you’ll come crawling right back so you don’t even attempt to let it/them go at all? have you ever been in such a fight within your own heart & mind about what to do about a situation? you beat yourself up until the point you’re all black & bruised & have to just take a time out.. you have to just wait until tomorrow to contemplate the best choice, that will provide the best outcome. it can be so hard to decide which road to take sometimes. something you love so deeply that thinking about letting go knocks the wind out of your lungs & you can’t even see straight anymore. how can we possibly give up something so beautiful & rare for all the pain that will surely follow. perhaps because although you love this thing/person.. the way it’s reciprocated from the other end is painful. do you continue to let it put splinters in you or do you take it out & stop messing with it so you don’t bleed ever again?

january 3rd, 2014.

typically i come up with some witty titles for my blogs, but today i just don’t feel like it. i have been dying to blog for weeks now but at the same time don’t want to write down any words.. afraid of what might come out. i couldn’t possibly type out all that’s actually in my head right now or else someone would probably try to commit me. yes. it’s THAT’S bad. well you would say bad, i say honest & real. potato tomato.

anyway. i feel so much anger all the time. i know exactly where it stems from, but not how to release it in a way that isn’t dangerous.. i feel like a ticking time bomb. tick. tick. only a matter of time before i either figure out an escape that would make this all better or.. well. yeah.

my mood swings lately have been out of control to say the very least. i used to cry all the time, but i’m sick of that. my sadness has turned to anger & hate. i hate everything. even when i do seem to have a moment where i forget all the bad shit i’m somehow quickly reminded. a smell. a photo. a car. a saying. a mutual connection. they follow me everywhere. i can’t escape. i can hardly breathe. i feel like i’m drowning & there is no rescue close.

of course, if i talked to someone they might tell me to pray about it. i have. do i think God is ignoring me? no. never. do i think He still has me in this battle for a reason i cannot fathom? absolutely.

i’m so sick of the cliche nonsense people want to say when they see the torn up face i just can’t hide during some moments. all the “it’ll be okay”, “you’re strong”, “whatever it is it’ll be alright eventually”. i’m so tired of hearing it. it’s exhausting. how can you tell me it’ll be okay when you don’t even know what’s wrong!!!! how can you know what’s wrong & expect me to ever feel okay again?! eventually feels like an eternity from now. what if i don’t have time to wait for the someday when it’ll supposedly be okay? i’m tired of waiting. i’m tired of everything.

just let me be.

extinguisher.

you ignited the fire
you lit the flame
watched it burn
you have no shame

you’re living fine
while the rest sit & dwell
you’re sitting high
while they try to escape this hell

your hands are dirty
theirs are clean
yet somehow that’s not what it seems

you pushed so far
they can’t come back
you killed their souls
now their hearts lack

you better hope your fate
isn’t up to them
you better hope for distance
and not the bitterness they befriend

if they touch you at all
it won’t be by their hand
if they touch you at all
you’ll end up just like them

without any hope
without any help
they’ll show you what you’ve done
what you’ve made them become

it might not be today
you won’t know when it’s coming
but one day they’ll grow strong
and you better start running

you better hope for mercy
talk to the God they can’t feel
you better pray for existence
and for them to stand still

if they move at all
you won’t be safe
they’ll show you what you stole
before they seal your fate