aww thank you SO much, i truly appreciate that! i am now following you, your blog is also amazing & actually brought me to tears just now ♥

do you remember that first song you played over & over when you got your heart broken for the first time?

do you remember when that song played & you instantly thought of the person you want to dance that first song with at your wedding one day?

do you remember those lyrics that can turn your bad day completely upside down?

do you remember that sound you heard when someone you loved so much died & all you could so is sit & listen to that same song til you could barely breathe from crying so hard?

do you remember that not so well known artist that means everything to you simply because they gave you some sense of hope from their entire album?

do you remember how one of your favorite actors from your favorite show all of a sudden sang & you didn’t even know they had a voice, but as soon as they sang that first verse you downloaded every song you could find by them?

do you remember that playlist on that cd you gave your bestfriend because you didn’t know any better way to help them with whatever they were going through?

do you remember the first time you realized just how important music was to you & how you could never go a day without listening to it?

do you remember that day in your life where you fell completely head over heels in love, with that sound, that instrument, that amazingly talented voice, that everything that makes the music you love feel like it can speak your life for every part of your whole being?

do you remember?

do you?

don’t you ever forget the music.

♥

{poem, by Lyz Agnew, myself.}

So I was just thinking & randomly I thought of breaking up.

As I was thinking I realized (in my opinion of course), that there are basically 6 stages of breaking up.

1. Heartbreak (& pain)

2. Confusion (& pain)

3. Anger (& pain)

4. Jealously (& pain)

5. Holding on (& pain)

6. Letting go (& love)

1. Heartbreak. Ouch. There is nothing quite like getting your heart broken from the opposite sex. No matter if it’s the first or fifth time this is happening to you, it hurts.. Almost burns actually. Especially if you have been dating this person for a long period of time. It can make you literally feel like you cannot breathe & you begin to have days where you cry so hard eventually no tears will come so you just lie there, silent, still, hurting emotionally, mentally, & even physically. Your head hurts from all the tears, blowing your nose, you’re clogged up & just have not the slightest clue as to how you’re going to will yourself out of bed.

2. Confusion. Oh confusion. This part really sucks because you are awake enough now to realize how much it sucks. Sitting there wondering what you could’ve done differently to make this person want you, to make them stay in love with you. There is never a legit answer though. Just lots of “what ifs” & “I wish I would haves..”. It hurts. It sucks. It drives you insane, & there isn’t really anything you can do about it consuming your mind. Even weeks, months, & sometimes years later you catch yourself still questioning why it didn’t work out, what made you undesirable, unwanted, unloved.

3. Anger. Ahh. When this strike comes it can last a few hours, or much, much longer. Depending on the level of commitment you had with your love will basically determine just how strong your anger will be. It might only be directed at yourself, thinking this ending was your fault. It might be towards the one who broke your heart, so mad that they think they’re too good for you & that you’re just not good enough for them. Or, in some cases, you are just downright angry with the entire world. So hurt you can’t see straight & so everything that anyone is doing just instantly makes your face scowl, so often so you don’t even recognize your own reflection anymore. You’re sick of crying, you have not much left of yourself to give, you’re just worn down & mad.

4. Jealously. This is such a wicked feeling to have. No one WANTS to be jealous, yet here we are always being so regardless. You have basically realized there isn’t anything you can do to make him/her stay, but just the thought of them wanting, or even worse, needing someone else makes you want to vomit from the very pit of your stomach. The thought of them having that same smile from when you first met them, but now it’s directed toward someone else… pure agony. Jealously is a wasted feeling, yet we keep that trash around anyway. We might not even want our ex anymore, but we sure as hell don’t want them to be with anyone else.

5. Holding on. So you’ve composed yourself back to shape as much as possible now, & you think you’re doing good. Then you open that box, that photo album, smell that scent, see that movie.. Whatever it may be, something triggers all those feelings right back into your space, into your heart, mind, & soul. You think oh just maybe we have one more shot. Maybe if I do this or that differently, wear my hair a certain way, try harder. It’s almost a worthless shot, but yet you find yourself thinking you can do it anyway, make them love you again.

6. Letting go. This one right here. You have truly picked up all YOUR pieces & realize you can’t keep holding yourself onto the shattered ones that only cut you, cut you deep. You find yourself being more in love with yourself again than him/her, than the thought of making it work anymore. You finally have opened your eyes, reached deep down into everything you’re made of, & realize you have got to love yourself more than holding onto the pain, the self pity, these mere thoughts of being in love with someone who doesn’t love nor want you back. You’ve finally got your life back to doing for you, treating yourself, & not worried about when your next love will come along. Knowing that when he/she does come though, you are finally healed enough to maybe, just maybe, let another in. 

xoxo ♥

so i’m sitting at the philadelphia airport waiting on nessa’s plane to land. we both flew out of dayton, just on separate flights, but it’s not too bad because it was only an hour. then when she gets here we’ll be on the same flight to houston together. we’re going to see our bff natalie :) this week is her spring break (she’s a teacher). i’m so excited to get to houston! i’ve never been to texas before so i’m pretty much superrr happy about experiencing a new place. i love seeing new things, new places, new people. traveling is definitely one of my most favorite things. i just told my cousin the other day if i was rich i’d never be home because i’d travel my life away.. & i really would. there are so many places i’d looooove to go & experience. i especially dream of traveling outside of the usa. to think that some people go their whole life without seeing other countries is crazy to me. i’m sure some people are content with that, & there’s nothing wrong with that at all, i’m just not one of those people. i have such desire to go to japan, australia, fiji, paris, rome, thailand, just everywhere! i know it’s not likely i’ll be flying that far in the near future, but i WILL make sure it happens one day, hopefully more than once. i feel blessed to of went to the places i have been already. sitting in this airport just watching people, wondering where they’re going, why they’re going, who they’re going to see.. are they wondering the same about myself? hmm i wonder. welp, i hope everyone has a great weekend!

xoxo peace.

1. sleeping in, definitely appreciate it more the past 3 weeks.

2. comfy clothes {hoodies & sweats}

3. my family i wasn’t raised with.. love my bestfriends.

4. c e r e a l . 

5. my trip to houston i’ll be going on in 2 weeks!

6. children, they’re the best blessings ever.

7. cheetahs, my favorite animal.

8. God’s love for me, no matter what, He’ll always love me.

9. humor. a life without laughing is unacceptable :)

10. my health.

xoxo.

so i’ve been thinking about writing this blog since last night but had trouble getting started, but it’s 10:32pm & i want it wrote on today’s date so i’m running out of time.

two years ago on this date my friend josh passed away. joshua brian jackson. he was only 23 years old when he died. so young. still so full of life, hope, love, passion…

i remember this one time in high school (10th grade) i was at the y with my friend ashley & josh happened to be there too. i just remember us 3 talking a lot about nothing & laughing & then josh bout me a snickers candy bar & then he said he liked me. i had a boyfriend at the time so we agreed to be friends. 

after high school years when i was 18 i started hanging around josh again, he was living back in richmond at his mom’s house. we would just watch tv at my sister’s house or go sit around at his mom’s for a while. we just talked about a lot of stuff & it was so nice having a good guy friend to confide in. we had a little gap before i turned 19 where we didn’t see each other for a little bit, but then we started hanging out once again. josh would come over & just hang out & watch tv with me. it was always simple fun. just to be around him trying to make him laugh because he tried hard sometimes not to smile, but when he did.. it was the best smile.

i talked with josh’s mom last night to let her know i’d be praying for her & everyone else as today was coming. she still feels that same heartache just as strongly as the day he went to be with the Lord. i think it’s true that some heartaches don’t get much easier, but that’s why we have others to help lift us up. 

josh was engaged to adrian at the time of his death, & he also left behind a sweet baby girl, miracle. i cannot imagine what ad is feeling today, but my thoughts & prayers will always be with her & their precious baby. 

josh was always so kind, so smart, giving, trustworthy, loyal, sweet. no matter how many times he tried to have a tough shell, you could see his sweet soul radiating through. 

“you had the sweetest soul

the kindest smile

you’d do anything for anyone

no matter the miles

you took others burdens

and made them your own

you protected us all

made sure we were good

the way you laughed

it was the best to be heard

we all wish we had

just one more day

to say we love you

to say we want you to stay

we’ll never forget you

there’s no way we ever could

we’ll hold you dear to our hearts

until we see you again

you were the best son & brother

lover & friend ♥ ”

sooooo… this week is especially exciting because i’m gonna tell you a story about me & my best best friend brittany.. aka BUCKY! hahahaha that’s not really her nickname, but the other day i compared her to the chucky doll & said i’m gonna start calling her bucky & she didn’t appreciate that which makes all the more sense to put it on here so when she reads this her face can look a little something like ” -____- “  haha love you britttttttttany! i love to annoy her & she loves to threaten me, it’s just how we work. 

brittany’s birthday is september 8th & mine is the 13th… we’re 4 years apart. i met brittany when she was 3 about to turn 4. so we’ve been friends for a LONG time considering she’s now 20 & i’m 24. i moved down the street from her mamaw & papaw [ now OUR mamaw & papaw :) ] & one day i was outside & brit (her real nickname lol) came down & said “do you wanna play” & we’ve been inseparable ever since! 

the things i remember most about us growing up together are kool-aid squeeze-its, we drank those things everyday all day long! that & cherry 7up! we also watched more movies than i don’t know what! between disney movies, mary-kate & ashley olsen movies [from the detective ones when they were super young to the ones like passport in paris, we LOVED them!] & even ones we might not should have been watching like dirty dancing lol… which is still both of ours favorite! we even had our own yard sales with our belongings like purses, clothes, shoes, & then we would sell squeeze-its & popsicles! it was so much fun! we played a lot of computer games too, which sometimes would cause an issue when it came to taking turns, but if we didn’t mind we’d have to get off cause mamaw said so! lol. we loved playing “chip’s challenge” (if you don’t know it, ahh you missed out!), card games like tripeaks, & then brit had this barbie makeover game that was our favorite! 

we played a lot outdoors in the summers too.. we would play hide & go seek all the time! & we use to hang from this one crabapple tree like we were little monkeys :) we also use to get in trouble for doing the most mischievous things, like playing upstairs knowing we definitely weren’t suppose to. mamaw & papaw were always nervous i was going to get hurt at their house & that my mom would be mad haha. my mom wouldn’t of been mad of course because accidents happen, & i never once did get hurt down there, EXCEPT for the one time brittany decided she wanted to HIT ME IN MY LEG WITH A BATON! BRAT! hahahahaha i know she just died laughing ALONE while reading that too! she was mad at me for whatever reason & she busted me right in my leg! i told papaw & he made me go home & brittany had to go inside.. gosh i miss those days! 

oh & i cannot forget to mention the thing we did the absolute most! we played in makeup like it was no one’s business! the amount of makeup owned back then [some play makeup some good makeup lol] could of been enough for 20 women! i’m not even kidding! i would sometimes get in trouble at home because for a long time i wasn’t allowed to even put on play makeup so i’d wash it off before i left mamaw & papaw’s, but sometimes i’d forget to & get caught haha WHOOPS :p the funny thing about the amount of makeup brit owned back [which was A LOT] doesn’t even compare to her fetish she has with it now! she loooooves makeup! i do too! she can just afford the extra good stuff hahah which is fine by me because every time i stay with her now she’s my makeup artist ;)

there was a period of time where i didn’t see brittany, mainly into my high school years, but i always thought about her. we didn’t stop seeing each other because we wanted to or for any bad reason, mamaw & papaw moved, & so did i so it just kinda happened. but when we found each other again i remember the first time i got to see her face! i was SOOOOOOO excited! we met at olive garden [of course, my favorite & mom’s (hers) favorite]. after we ate we went to the mall & i was within minutes reminded of my spoiled little brit brat from when we were young! we were in charlotte russe & brit wanted this pair of black heels & mom said she didn’t need them because she already had 9 pairs of black heels, but brit insisted so i intervened & said, “look, we all know how this is gonna end, so we can stand here for 20 minutes going back & forth or we can go ahead & walk up to the counter with the shoes because that’s what’ll happen regardless so let’s just save the time” hahaha & sure enough she got “those” black shoes! gotta love her!

it’s like we never ever skipped a beat even with time apart. i think that’s what really makes our friendship so special, being able to be apart for a while, but nothing changed. gosh i love her. when it comes to my friendship with brittany we’re alike in a lot of ways, but we have our differences too, but they’re perfect. we’re kind of like a puzzle, we don’t look/act the same all the time, but when you put us together we undeniably fit. i would do anything in this world for brittany. she knows that & i don’t think she could ever forget. i help her through her bad days & she makes me laugh constantly. i even have a tattoo for a special reason between us. our bond could never be broken. never. 

brittany lee phoebe mundhenk, bestfriend in the whole wide world, i love you so much, i love you forever ♥