.heart&soul.
quick announcement

so i’ve finally decided to start a second blog on here, a beauty blog. my obsession with makeup & all things girly might as well get put to use so i plan to post pictures & do my favorite products, tutorials/videos, & whatnot.

anywho, if you love makeup/beauty products head on over & hit that follow button: lipstickandsweatpants

toodles.

…where am i? will i ever find my way back? the path is dark, my eyesight is awful, & i’ve got no flashlight to me out…

[excerpt from my journal]

i d e n t i t y .

do you know who you are? if someone asked you to describe yourself would the words come flowing out of your mouth, or would you become tongue tied?

today at therapy, my therapist & i were talking about knowing who you are. i told her i feel like i don’t know myself anymore, i don’t know who i am.

so she asked me to do a little task before our next session. she told me to write in my journal who i feel like i used to be, who i am now, & who i would like to become.

i’ve been thinking about this all day now.

i believe it’s so important to know who you are. of course we get off track or a little lost sometimes with the people we wish to be or try to become, but feeling as lost as i do now isn’t something i ever imagined happening. there have been times in my life where i’ve second guessed some decisions of mine, or tried to be someone i’m not. however, right now i’ve not got a clue who i am.

i told her i feel numb. i’ve been so angry & sad & now for the past few weeks i just have felt numb. i just go along every day with the same old routine of driving to work, putting on a brave face of smiling, then going home & going to bed.

i know i’m kind of scared of being happy, wondering when the next bad thing will happen, but more so than that i just don’t feel it. there have been few moments over the past few months where i’ve truly felt real happiness.

i want to believe eventually there won’t be a doubt in my mind that the feeling of happiness won’t even be something i hope for, it’ll be so common & consistent that i just enjoy my everyday life.

but for now i’ll keep moving, keep pushing forward & wait for what’s to come.

{xoxo}

somewhere out there
or deep underneath
somewhere high in the sky
or way far out in the sea

i keep on searching
but i cannot find
i keep on wandering
but it’s all been left behind

i don’t know where i belong
or where to go now
i’m not sure of my future
let alone my now

somewhere deep in the shadows
somewhere far out i might go
somewhere closer than i imagined
or somewhere too far to reach

traffic.

have you ever wondered just how many people have tried to get in your way throughout your lifetime? how many times have you been frustrated or angered by someone who tries to slow you down in where you’re headed?

if you think about it, people trying to hold you back is similar to driving your car & someone cutting you off. how you respond in traffic can be how you respond in life.

will you choose to rear end these people who’ve upset you? retaliate?
will you pick catching up with them & screaming words through the window at them? lose your composure?
or will you just take a deep breath & continue your drive as you were?

there will always be someone almost everywhere you go in life that will try to cut you off, try to get in your way. whether someone tries to deliberately cut you off while speaking or completely tries to wreck your life in a number of ways, how you choose to respond is what’s important.

let me make this much clear: i am not giving out non-hypocritical advice currently.

i have allowed the last 6 months to consume my life in a way like never before. i’ve allowed my anger & negative feelings to destroy major things. i can say some things have been outside of my control, but other things have just been my weakness & not feeling strong enough to fight back, or even strong enough to FALL BACK from certain situations.

so i guess we could say i’m trying to lend advice to myself as well.

people are always in a hurry & think their time is more valuable than yours & mine. however, we’re all just trying to get somewhere. some of us are trying to get to a place we can call home again, some of us searching for that something that will give positive meaning to the things we’re struggling with, & some of us are just trying to keep our heads above water before we drown.

regardless of where your life is currently at. whether you’re at your worst or absolute best in your life right now, it can change in an instant.

choose not to allow PEOPLE to try & shatter your life. there’s no escaping everyday problems like bills, cars breaking down, a bad day at work.. but sometimes we can take a step back from those who would rather cut us off in traffic than go the speed limit with us.

remember: the hare was in such a hurry, & yet we know who finished first ;)

stay strong|xoxo.

it’s sinking in.

so just a little while ago i read a quote that said, “the person you care for the most, is the one you’ll let hurt you the most”.

just a few days ago i was talking to a friend about how much it hurts when you expect so much from someone & they’ve always came through, but then all a sudden it seems like they just keep failing you.. it really sucks. there’s no other way to put it. my friend suggested i cut this/these people off, but they don’t know my entire relationship/s so it’d be unfair for me to use their advice.

i can say lately it seems the people i’ve expected the most from have been the most disappointing. i’m FULLY AWARE i’m not the greatest most exciting person to be around nor talk to recently, but i guess i just expected some people to understand that, even if they can’t “get it”, to just be patient with me like i have with them before.

it really hurts when you feel like you’ve helped lift people up so many times, only for them to watch you fall without extending a hand.

my list of hurts is so long now that even while writing this i have no tears to shed, i don’t even feel negative. i feel numb.

it hurt a few days ago, but now, just like almost everything else.. the pain has been bottled up to come pouring out some other day.

i’m sleepy.. {goodnight world}.

bacon & eggs.

so i’m sitting at le peep (a breakfast restaurant in indy that’s not open past 230pm, ever) alone waiting on my order. i always get the same thing, the eighteen wheeler which consists of french toast {i get the battered kind because it’s AHHHHmazing}, 2 eggs {which today i got one scrambled, one fried hard because i couldn’t decide}, potatoes, & B A C O N of course {never eat breakfast without bacon, it’s practically a sin. okay maybe not, but whatev.}.

i stayed with a friend last night & i was going to just grab mcdonald’s when i left there this morning, but then i remembered how much i enjoy my time alone so decided to come here instead.

i can hear all the people at other tables chit-chat with each other, as i think i’m the only “party of 1” here. i’m content with it though. i enjoy people watching sometimes & just enjoying time to think to myself outside of laying in my bed which tends to be my life these days.

there are very few days where i even want to leave the house or be surrounded by people so i figured i ought to use this opportunity before that feeling passes, because i know it will.

i was going to see a movie later, but i think i’ll take a nice sunday afternoon nap instead, we’ll see.

for now i’m just going to sip this yummy apple juice & TRY to feel good about something.

when you’d give anything to feel okay, the bare minimum.. yet instead, you feel broken.. shattered.
swallowed whole.

left right up down

i don’t even know what direction i’m headed anymore.. ever.

my head is so all over the place.

i’m just sitting here in the car, just got home from the movies, & i cried the entire drive home.

i just feel so sad. something i haven’t let myself feel in a while. i normally try to channel the tears into anger & frustration.. but i just can’t anymore.

how could i trust someone & they betray me.. i just don’t understand. i never will.

i feel so closed off from everything, everyone.

i used to not date for a while because i didn’t want to. then i didn’t because i was scared. now it’s both. i don’t want to because i’m terrified. how can i possibly trust someone enough to want to hold their hand, cuddle, do lovely dovey things. just the thought of these “movie like” scenes i used to daydream of now make me cringe. i’m so messed up right now & my baggage is past the weight limit, i’m not convinced anyone is going to be willing to pay the extra fee.

i feel so lost. so confused. so down. i just feel so incredibly depressed.

i can’t remember the last time i felt like i had two really good days consecutively.

i feel so much, yet barely nothing at all. it’s like i’m numb. my outside is apparent but inside i’m screaming. i feel like my scream is so loud the world ought to be deaf by now, but that’s not the case.

i just want something. something so bad. i just want………

is the world awake?.. or just me?

sooo i should be asleep right now, but instead i’m laying here in the dark TRYING to process a million different thoughts at once..
speaking of, i read a sort of quote recently that says something about imagining 8762 (some number like that) tabs open on your internet browser & that’s basically how a woman’s mind is.. SO TRUE.
it seems to never stop. i’m already so hyper(active) so i feel like i’m always just going full speed until i eventually crash. i put the “active” like that because i’m certainly not physically active in the way i need to be. i’m just hyper as far as my heart rate seems to always be beating so fast, i talk {a little lol} fast.. i basically have a really hard time coming down & just relaxing.
i need to get this worked on but just like the other parts of my mental to-do list it’s kinda on the back burner.
i can say i had my first full session with my personal trainer yesterday {& i’m sooo paying for it today, my legs/butt hurt sooo bad!} so at least i’m trying to get active more. i need to change so much about my lifestyle physically [& mentally & emotionally.. bleh.] but more on this later ;}
i just want to feel like i can breathe again is all. today was actually a pretty decent day, some parts were even great & i needed that. i just want to be able to successfully have days in a row that i feel good about being alive ya know? it’ll come.. gosh i hope it’ll come.
well i really should get some sleep so i can run errands before work tmrw.

sweet sleep tumbugs {xoxo}.