.heart&soul.

you never know just how fleeting your happiness might be. when you catch yourself smiling, laughing.. hold it a little longer. for you just never know how fleeting it might be.

- me.

no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

-c.s. lewis

God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless & feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. yes, there is joy, fulfillment & companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible & overpowering.

-sylvia plath

can i hibernate? please…

sooo it has been one longgg week! i am so exhausted that i was just eating pizza & had to lay down to eat the last piece. crazy i know, lol. i’m just so incredibly tired. {physically|mentally|emotionally}

this past monday i had my therapy session, but it had been two weeks since my last one [i normally go every monday, but she was out the week before] so i felt like i had so much to talk about. well, i was running late & our time slot was shorter than normal so i left feeling half full still. i typically can get out 98% of what i need to during a session. i go back tomorrow morning & i already feel drained thinking about all we need to discuss. bleh.

i worked tuesday & wednesday, then thursday i was off work because i was SUPPOSED to move. get all the way to my new apartment complex for them to tell me it’s not ready. i’m not gonna babble about the whole ordeal it’s been since then, let’s just say corporate will be getting a lovely little (big) e-mail from me & i am finally moved in.

so on a positive note, it feels so good to finally be in my {OWN} space again. one of my favorite things in the entire world is being able to have my own space, my alone time, & having things [livingwise] how i want them. i am just a smidge ocd when it comes to a clean home & organization. {aka i will vacuum every day, can’t walk by something that’s even a cinemeter crooked without fixing it, dishes clean before going to bed every night, etc} in my opinion [oh duh it is my blog] it is better to be a *neatfreak* than a slob. but whatev, to each their own. as long as “their” own isn’t in my space, haha.

i worked friday & saturday, then today i went to muncie & was able to go to half a church service {some is better than none to me}, then i went to lunch with my aunt liz then she helped me load & move the rest of my belongings that were still in muncie back here to indy then we went back to muncie. she’s amazing. after that i went to my friend cameron’s house in muncie for her son’s birthday party, & don’t get me wrong i love that lil guy, but i was so happy to see my friend ariane because it had been a year & i love seeing cameron as well. i’ve known cameron for about 8-9 years now. wow. thinking back that far brings back the craziest memories of us lol.

overall today was a good day. super long, but nonetheless good.

i needed a good day.

& now i need to read a book until i pass out.. book of choice tonight? “blood brother”.. i’ve read it before but it’s really good so i want to read it again.

speaking of books, i finished two last week, “tricks” by ellen hopkins [she’s a phenomenal author & the book was so good, & “mockingjay” the last book in the hunger games series. toward the end of mockingjay i could barely handle the suspense of wondering how it’d all end! i cannotttt hardly wait to see part 1 of mockingjay in november! {PLEASE HURRY, but let’s not rush summer lol}

well this shall be all, for now.

toodaloo. xoxo.

quick announcement

so i’ve finally decided to start a second blog on here, a beauty blog. my obsession with makeup & all things girly might as well get put to use so i plan to post pictures & do my favorite products, tutorials/videos, & whatnot.

anywho, if you love makeup/beauty products head on over & hit that follow button: lipstickandsweatpants

toodles.

…where am i? will i ever find my way back? the path is dark, my eyesight is awful, & i’ve got no flashlight to help me out…

[excerpt from my journal]

i d e n t i t y .

do you know who you are? if someone asked you to describe yourself would the words come flowing out of your mouth, or would you become tongue tied?

today at therapy, my therapist & i were talking about knowing who you are. i told her i feel like i don’t know myself anymore, i don’t know who i am.

so she asked me to do a little task before our next session. she told me to write in my journal who i feel like i used to be, who i am now, & who i would like to become.

i’ve been thinking about this all day now.

i believe it’s so important to know who you are. of course we get off track or a little lost sometimes with the people we wish to be or try to become, but feeling as lost as i do now isn’t something i ever imagined happening. there have been times in my life where i’ve second guessed some decisions of mine, or tried to be someone i’m not. however, right now i’ve not got a clue who i am.

i told her i feel numb. i’ve been so angry & sad & now for the past few weeks i just have felt numb. i just go along every day with the same old routine of driving to work, putting on a brave face of smiling, then going home & going to bed.

i know i’m kind of scared of being happy, wondering when the next bad thing will happen, but more so than that i just don’t feel it. there have been few moments over the past few months where i’ve truly felt real happiness.

i want to believe eventually there won’t be a doubt in my mind that the feeling of happiness won’t even be something i hope for, it’ll be so common & consistent that i just enjoy my everyday life.

but for now i’ll keep moving, keep pushing forward & wait for what’s to come.

{xoxo}

somewhere out there
or deep underneath
somewhere high in the sky
or way far out in the sea

i keep on searching
but i cannot find
i keep on wandering
but it’s all been left behind

i don’t know where i belong
or where to go now
i’m not sure of my future
let alone my now

somewhere deep in the shadows
somewhere far out i might go
somewhere closer than i imagined
or somewhere too far to reach

traffic.

have you ever wondered just how many people have tried to get in your way throughout your lifetime? how many times have you been frustrated or angered by someone who tries to slow you down in where you’re headed?

if you think about it, people trying to hold you back is similar to driving your car & someone cutting you off. how you respond in traffic can be how you respond in life.

will you choose to rear end these people who’ve upset you? retaliate?
will you pick catching up with them & screaming words through the window at them? lose your composure?
or will you just take a deep breath & continue your drive as you were?

there will always be someone almost everywhere you go in life that will try to cut you off, try to get in your way. whether someone tries to deliberately cut you off while speaking or completely tries to wreck your life in a number of ways, how you choose to respond is what’s important.

let me make this much clear: i am not giving out non-hypocritical advice currently.

i have allowed the last 6 months to consume my life in a way like never before. i’ve allowed my anger & negative feelings to destroy major things. i can say some things have been outside of my control, but other things have just been my weakness & not feeling strong enough to fight back, or even strong enough to FALL BACK from certain situations.

so i guess we could say i’m trying to lend advice to myself as well.

people are always in a hurry & think their time is more valuable than yours & mine. however, we’re all just trying to get somewhere. some of us are trying to get to a place we can call home again, some of us searching for that something that will give positive meaning to the things we’re struggling with, & some of us are just trying to keep our heads above water before we drown.

regardless of where your life is currently at. whether you’re at your worst or absolute best in your life right now, it can change in an instant.

choose not to allow PEOPLE to try & shatter your life. there’s no escaping everyday problems like bills, cars breaking down, a bad day at work.. but sometimes we can take a step back from those who would rather cut us off in traffic than go the speed limit with us.

remember: the hare was in such a hurry, & yet we know who finished first ;)

stay strong|xoxo.

it’s sinking in.

so just a little while ago i read a quote that said, “the person you care for the most, is the one you’ll let hurt you the most”.

just a few days ago i was talking to a friend about how much it hurts when you expect so much from someone & they’ve always came through, but then all a sudden it seems like they just keep failing you.. it really sucks. there’s no other way to put it. my friend suggested i cut this/these people off, but they don’t know my entire relationship/s so it’d be unfair for me to use their advice.

i can say lately it seems the people i’ve expected the most from have been the most disappointing. i’m FULLY AWARE i’m not the greatest most exciting person to be around nor talk to recently, but i guess i just expected some people to understand that, even if they can’t “get it”, to just be patient with me like i have with them before.

it really hurts when you feel like you’ve helped lift people up so many times, only for them to watch you fall without extending a hand.

my list of hurts is so long now that even while writing this i have no tears to shed, i don’t even feel negative. i feel numb.

it hurt a few days ago, but now, just like almost everything else.. the pain has been bottled up to come pouring out some other day.

i’m sleepy.. {goodnight world}.