so i started to feel aggravated by something minimal & that’s already done & dealt with just now, but to make sure i don’t stay annoyed i decided to write. i promise it always makes me feel better.

i didn’t have anything specific in mind for some amazing blog today, so i just figured i’d share my day with the world. {or the 1-2 people who actually read my blogs lol.. whatev.}

today was actually a really good day. i woke up & got ready for church. it was pretty amazing, as the praise & worship team was singing a song with the lyrics “my God is able”, a church member of ours came in. now this sounds insignificant until i tell you that this particular member, aaren (18), was in a serious car accident a few months & the doctors said he was going to be paralyzed from the neck down & never walk again. that was in the beginning of march & guess what!? aaren CAN walk! aaren is NOT paralyzed! you know? because our God IS able & aaren is a part of a praying church! the doctors have been astounded by his progress! he’s still in physical therapy, but that is a miracle considering what he’s been through! i am SO grateful to have him back with us. not because i know him well, but because he’s one of ours, he’s part of my church family, & THAT means everything.

after church i went on a date. at least i think it was a date. ehh. so much pressure these days to define what is or isn’t. i’m calling it a date. he paid so… lol. anyway, we went to eat at johnny carino’s & it was the first time we had a good conversation because last time we hung out {first time ever} we just went to the movies so that didn’t leave much time for open conversation. of course i talked a bit {yes, a bit lol} more than he did, but that’s my life with everyone. [they didn’t start calling me chatterbox in kindergarten for nothin.] we stayed at the restaurant about 40 minutes after we were done eating just talking, it was nice. then we went to the movies to see fast & furious 6. it was SO freaking good! i wanna see it again! & i can’t wait to buy it on black friday {i always stock up on movies then.} it was cool just hanging with this guy today. i didn’t feel a lot of pressure like i normally do. {i’m a bit awkward around strangers/new people} today i just tried to be myself & have fun. 

now i’m waiting on pizza to get here because i am STARVINGGG! i’m gonna watch that movie “what to expect when you’re expecting” starring jennifer lopez whenever my pizza does get here. i wanted to see it in theaters but i’m kinda feeling like it’ll probably be a movie i’m glad i waited to see. it looks cute, but probably not worth $10. guess i’ll see in a few huh? 

i’m so sleepy! i keep saying i’ll be asleep shortly after midnight, but it never fails.. even when i’m sleepy around 11pm i always feel WIDE AWAKE -__- blah. 

tomorrow is memorial day & i don’t have any plans for it. if it’s sunny out i may lay out because i’ve been wanting to all spring & just haven’t had the chance yet. i hope i remember to tell my friend grayson happy memorial day, he’s in the navy. handsome guy that fella. hahaha. 

welp, that’ll be all. hope you all have a good evening. toodles {xoxo}

so last night on twitter oomf [one of my followers for those of you that aren’t twitter savvy.. although it is 2013, so please get with it soon lol] tweeted & said “ladies.. me and my boys are having a debate. outside of facial features, what’s the first thing you look at when you meet a guy and why?”. my follower who tweeted this was marcus phelps.

{you can follow him here @themistermarcus he’s hilarious. his tweets are the most sarcastic out of everyone i follow. makes me giggle daily.}

anyway, his question got about 90% of the same response from every girl/woman who responded. SHOES.

one girl said a guy can’t have “outdated dirty no-names” or else she can’t trust him. another girl said shoes because “you can tell if he’s gay, straight, married, unemployed, educated, etc etc”. one girl said shoes because “if they’re dirty he most likely stinks”. and another girl said shoes because “the way he represents himself in public says a lot”. [oh the best (worst) one was one girl said his money..sigh.]

i am very curious how someone’s shoes account for the way they represent themselves. maybe i’m naive but i just don’t understand that statement. shouldn’t the way someone represents themselves be based off of their character, not a pair of shoes?! & if a guy’s shoes are dirty he automatically smells bad? oh. learn something new everyday i guess. [insert A LOT of sarcasm there please.]

my favorite {least favorite} was the response that you can tell if a man is gay, straight, married, unemployed, or educated from what he’s wearing on his feet. i have to question whether or not the girl who said that is educated. there is absolutely NO WAY to know if a guy is gay from his shoes. how the heck can you know if someone is unemployed by his shoes?! what if while he had a job he did spend a lot of money on shoes? then it’d be likely he’s still wearing these shoes while searching for a new job. the worst part of that tweet was saying you can tell if someone is educated by their shoes. i am almost certain einstein didn’t care about his shoes while solving e=mc2. i just can’t deal.

i tweeted & said “soooo from what i can tell about this debate on my TL right now a lot of girls/women are superficial.”

after all the tweets @themistermarcus received he tweeted & said “most ladies saying they look at a man’s shoes first beyond his facial features is not a surprise. dunno why y’all surprised.” so i tweeted him & said “not surprised but these chicks buy their shoes buy 1 get 1 $10 bucks at charlotte but want a man to own $300 Js…” & he retweeted it.

this whole topic had me go on a mini twitter rant which i don’t tend to do often, but it really had me thinking about women & our expectations of men.

it’s disheartening to me that women around my age really expect shoes to be on the top of the list for what they look for in a man.

what about his demeanor? his behavior. i know eyes are technically a facial feature, but does he make eye contact with you when he speaks or does he look away? to me that says way more than a pair of jordans.

it’s not just that women want their man to dress nicely & have nice shoes, but the way some of these women worded their tweets you could tell they were dead serious about shoes being extremely important.

it’s crazy to think there are people in this world who have never owned a pair of shoes, yet here women put so much emphasis on needing the “right kind” of shoes to be important or have status.

this topic also made me think about these same people who keep quoting drake’s lyrics “started from the bottom now we here”. uh some of yall quoting this have NEVER even seen the shallow end so please for the love of everyone’s sanity stopppp ittttt. {right now!}

like you grew up in the suburbs, have never even ate ramen noodles, you definitely have never bought shoes at a payless, you got a car for your 16th birthday, you never wore handmedowns, you had an allowance [& perhaps still do even in your adult years].. but have the nerve to say you started from the bottom?! i think not.

now let me clarify so there’s no room for someone to rant to me {i can’t hear you.}, i don’t think there is anything wrong growing up wealthy & secure. you can’t help the family & circumstances you’re born into. my point is some people want to be so noticed they’ll pretend to have had it worse than they did just to idolize some rapper. the whole notion is absurd.

how about we try to focus on more important things. do you live your life in a way that makes you proud? can YOU offer these things you’re expecting of someone else? instead of worrying about clothing, shoes, bags, whatever.. maybe you should see if someone is smart, loyal, talented, HUMBLE. just a thought..

just a thought..

if you’re lucky enough to stay with the one you had that learning relationship with.. cherish it, don’t ever take it for granted. we all have that one relationship that taught us so much about love, so much about ourselves & what we want, what we don’t want, what we need, & deserve. 

if that relationship remains after all the lessons learned, after countless hardships.. keep it, continue to build on it, give it everything you’ve got & never let go. if the relationship is healthy, striving, loving… you hold on to that.

some days i’d give anything to have mine back, to feel that again, to be with him. i miss that good ache my heart had because when we did have troubles i’d want to fix them right away. i loved him so much i would’ve given anything for us to work it out, make our wrongs right.

my heart yearns for him time to time & man when it does.. i don’t even know how i’m breathing without him. not because i’m naive enough to think i need a man to complete me, but because my love was so immense for him, for us.. the future i saw us having.

i know we’re not the same people we were back then & it breaks my heart to understand you can’t rewind, you can’t get the days back where everything was as close to perfect as could be. i can’t get it back, they’re gone.. forever.. just a memory in time now. but if i could, if i could relive a few days.. we’d be together, with her, with ours, and us. everything would be perfect.

the feel of the warm sun hitting us as we walk holding hands in that park. you know the one. as we giggle in the car singing some song we both like knowing neither of us have a good voice. those moments we took for granted because we always thought there would be more. 

i met them. i loved them like they were my own. i loved him, loved him like we’d be together for all our lives. the pain i feel in letting go is inexplicable. after all this time i still feel it. still feel that ache i had when he let me go, set me free. 

i glance at a picture of him & some days feel like it’s still there.. a part of us is still in existence. no one can take that away from me.. it’s my story, my love.. i might possibly always love him. 

one day the ache might fade.. might finally stop punishing my heart, mind, & soul.. but my love.. it’ll always be there.. always there to remind me that love is fleeting if you don’t take care of it. remind me of the good over the bad. remind me what it is to put someone else before you.. love. to remind me that compromise & communication are important. remind me that even when people change it’s okay to keep them in your heart even if they can’t be in your life.

i wouldn’t trade what we had for anything better nor easier.. because what we had was us, it was ours & in its imperfections, i found a perfect unselfish love i gave away to you… ♥

i wrote this blog a few months ago & had just never published it. i decided i needed to do some blogging because it always makes me feel better. some of the parts in this blog aren’t even true today, but they were the day i wrote it. now i realize that part of the ache i feel from that heartache isn’t solely based on the relationship i had with this specific man, but more so the heartache from feeling let go. not feeling good enough. not feeling like i deserved to be loved for a lifetime. 

i know that’s not true now. i didn’t always know it, especially for a while after we split. but now i know to get to the man who will want to love me for a lifetime i have to love myself & be confident in the waiting for that man. i’ve learned i don’t need a man to feel secure, quite the opposite actually. i feel more secure with myself now that the relationship is over & i’ve learned that i like my own company. i like being alone sometimes. i cherish the moments i have while by myself where i look in the mirror & feel pretty, feel good enough. i cherish the fact that i know i am worth waiting for, worth a good respectable husband one day. 

this journey hasn’t been easy, not in the least, but it’s been completely worth it. my heart will always remember the love i had in that relationship & how i yearned for us to work out. like i said, i wouldn’t change it for anything.. i grew from this relationship & after we split i came to know myself & realize who i am & what i want out of life. 

i’m not content everyday, i won’t lie about that. but i’ll keep my 80% being content alone, than trying to be in an unfulfilled relationship where i only feel 20% content. 

a lot of people seem to think we’re all the same. they don’t say it out loud but by their actions you can tell. but what a lot of people either forget or simply don’t realize is we’re all very different & it’s because we are SUPPOSED to be. God created us all in His image. He decided our skin color, race, hair, height, personality, thinking… EVERYTHING! and even though we know this it seems we still have trouble accepting someone who is “different” from ourselves. i’ll be the first to say i’ve done this before, judged someone based solely on their appearance before actually getting to know them or just thinking one thing & then i get proved completely wrong. *inserts foot in mouth* 

everyone has heard the expression “it could always be worse”. we are “supposed” to use this when we are feeling down about something. however, i don’t feel like this is a good term to ALWAYS use. we don’t all think the same so one situation to someone may make them feel like they have nowhere else to turn, this situation whatever it may be could actually hit them 100 times harder than the person standing next to them or even the friend they’re trying to explain their hurt to. we need to remember to be more sensitive & always, always show compassion. you may want to say “oh get over it”, but it seems to me the moment you do that is when not even too much longer later is when YOU need someone to be kindhearted to you about something. do we have to baby each other? certainly not. but the words we choose to speak to others cannot be erased or taken back. even if you later apologize for being too harsh that person is going to remember how horrible you made them feel when all they needed was some positive uplifting. we can always be honest, we ought to be honest always, we just need to make sure we are being sincere & kind at the same time. 

we also tend to think that people have to “grow/change” at specific points in their lives. oh you should be able to handle this by 16, 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, & so on. that’s not the case however. we all move & grow at different paces for different reasons. stay humble instead of rolling your eyes & forgetting you were once in that person’s shoes before or you could have been. none of us are exempt from anything happening to us. given the right circumstances we can all EASILY fall short than we expected of ourselves. so if we see someone is changing & it’s a positive thing, don’t bash them for doing so long after YOU feel like they should have. we all have our own circumstances & our growing isn’t to be competed with someone else’s. do what’s just & right for you, & baby.. don’t ever give up!

soooo lately i’ve been dealing with A LOT.. i have so much going on in my life & it’s feeling pretty heavy. weight. i’m tiny physically, but apparently i’m strong mentally & emotionally. God never gives us anything we can’t handle. {matthew 11:28} 

with so much going on i’ve been thinking “how in the heck have i not broken down yet?!”.. i’ve cried once about one of the issues i’m dealing with, but that’s typical. 

yesterday i was cleaning & i was talking to God while vacuuming & i thanked Him for being here for me through everything so that i can be here for all my loved ones who are also dealing with mess. just in the past week or two i’ve had a few friends that have really needed me. my strength to help them comes from my God. He knows i need to be able too help others so He carries my burdens for me. i asked God to please get me through everything & help me to be able to continue being there for others my whole life whenever someone needs it. i believe in j.o.y. {Jesus, others, you}. i believe we are to put others before ourselves. yes, it can be hard to do sometimes, but it’s not impossible. 

after i finished praying i opened my daily Bible verse i get in my email & it read:

“praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4” 

wow. i read it & i knew getting that particular verse was no coincidence. God sent me that message to reassure me about what we had JUST discussed. God knows my heart & he knows i want to be strong in my faith so i can help others be strong in theirs as well.

a friend of mine less than a week ago told me “regardless, i will praise God” about the situation she was dealing with. it was crazy how she was the one needing comfort & yet she was already strong. sometimes we all just need someone to let us know they’re here for us. someone who may not understand our pain, but is still willing to walk our trials with us. the particular person who texted me that message i have always thought highly of, she is one of the sweetest people i’ve ever met.. but when she was texting me i gained even more respect for her & gratitude that God would put someone like her in my life. her situation seemed so negative, yet she reacted in a positive godly manner. 

it’s easy to be selfish & always think “why me? why is this happening to me?” but it’s not about us. it’s about others. my troubles may last for a night, but God promises me joy in the morning. i’m not completely over everything i’ve been dealing with, but God has stood by my side & with Him i will soon heal & put it behind me. 

i have to move forward in order to bring others with me. living in the past or standing still isn’t an option. God has great plans for my life & part of that plan is healing me quickly & keeping me positive so i can be a gift to others. 

i’m simply amazed at His love, His grace, His power.. something happens when i call His name ♥

so sometimes when i haven’t blogged in a while i like to just get something written down so i can get back in the habit of my blogging more frequently. well i was looking at my friend {aka twin’s.. *insider*} jasmine’s blog & she mostly posts pictures & quotes.. i love her blog, but she had reblogged some surveys so i decided i would fill them out for my blog. You can follow her blog at à ny2cali.tumblr.com :)

[p.s. the title of this blog wasn’t given by me, it’s what i copied & pasted off of the original survey.]

1: What eye color do you find sexiest?

i love a guy with green eyes or a light grey.. but of course it depends on the person’s skin tone too, i’ve seen some pretty brown eyes.

2: White milk or dark chocolate mocha?

uhh.. i assume we’re talking about people here.. i prefer someone in the middle.. a nice caramel colored man lol.

3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?

this is random. i’ve never thought about getting a sharpie tattoo, but since it could be washed off i’d want something big & beautiful that would take up my entire back..

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

somewhere in between. richmond isn’t some big city like indianapolis, but it’s not one of those 500 people towns either. did i like it? sometimes yes, but mostly no.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)

this is so easy. my aunt lisa. i adored her growing up, i would always be so ecstatic to see her, which thankfully was quite a bit!

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?

ick! i do NOT like smoothies. yes i know i’m like the only american who doesn’t, but it’s true. gross. but i would appreciate a chocolate milkshake right about now. yums.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?

oooh i remember in first grade i went to a school where my grandpa worked & i got in trouble for talking (shocker i know) & my teacher sent me out into the hallway to stand & my grandpa came up to me & asked why i was standing there. talk about feeling salty even at age 7.

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?

the first thing i thought of was my wardrobe. i always wanted to “fit in” with what my friends were wearing especially when it came to jeans. so funny how i look back now & see how silly that was. nowadays i couldn’t care less what trends are “happening”. i just wear what i like & i’m content.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?

oh geez. there are too many to choose the worst. yeah, let’s not even go there.

10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?

ninjas. pirates are dirty. i like to be clean. i’d rather wear an all black suit than all those cut up layers a pirate wears. plus when i say “aye matey” or whatever it is pirates say i’d probably sound stupid. ninjas don’t have to talk.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?

nope.

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?

i looooved swinging as a child & i sure still love it now. nothing like getting to be a big kid for a moment :)

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?

if you know me, you already know this answer. i always say i want to own a baby cheetah. they’re so freaking cute!

14: What’s your most favorite part of your body?

uh probably my lips/smile or my eyes. i love wearing lipgloss & i love wearing eye makeup so those two parts usually stand out to me.

15: What’s your most favorite part of your personality?

my compassion for others. i feel like none of us are exempt from making mistakes or sinning, so i try to remember that when someone has done something wrong. we can all fall short & the Lord knows i have PLENTY of times, but like He’s given me more chances i’d like to do the same for others. it’s not always easy just to get over things, we need other people sometimes to be there for us & have someone who knows it’s okay to be sad or cry..

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?

who cares.

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?

yeah plenty of times. i used to love superbowl sundays.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?

no.

19: What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life?

my momma’s lasagna & margherita pizzas, cheese bread at Oggi’s in california, &  my momma’s white chocolate bowl with chocolate mousse inside.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?

either. i grew up with both. i love real butter on english muffins & bagels, but for cooking some boxed mac & cheese i just use betty crocker lol.

21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)

sure never knew they made 1 ½ %.. seems silly! but i buy whole milk, grew up on 2%.

22: Which continents have you been on?

north america. i need to change this.

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
no i don’t, but i remember growing up my siblings got motion sickness so whenever we’d go on a trip my momma would make all of us take dramamin & i’d always complain because i hated trying to swallow pills back then.. so normally i’d just put it in my mouth then spit it out after she walked away.. oops.

24: Backpacks or satchels?

backpack. it hurts my shoulders too much to carry a lot of stuff on only one shoulder.

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?

i’ll pass on the rainbow jacket. i’d definitely rock the neon yellow sweater & the pants are questionable, guess it’d depend on the material & stuff.

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

scoooooby dooooby dooooo. i may or may not have scooby doo dvds now at age 25… no.. yes. okay bye.

27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?

probably a cow. i’d always have milk. besides, if i owned a pig it wouldn’t be for long because well.. my favorite food is bacon. no shame.

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?

easy. tampa. it’s beautiful.

29: Longest plane ride you’ve ever been on?

from indiana to california.. was somewhere around 5 hours i think.

30: The latest you’ve ever slept?
oh.. like 5pm.. no big deal.

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for

free?

i most certainly would never spend money on anything that has cats/kittens on it & if someone gave me a sweater covered in kittens i’d cut it up, give it back, then burn their house on fire. too much? oh.

32: Do you pick at scabs?

eww gross no.

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?

none of the above. i like green beans, but that’s basically it. i barely like any kind of jelly bean except jelly belly’s.

34: How far can you throw a baseball?

i have no idea.

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?

fiji. i love hot weather so i mean why not?

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?

i’ve had filipino food before, my friend tiffany’s mom used to make it when we were teens & i stayed with her a lot so i tried quite a bit of her mom’s cooking, it was delicious.

37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?

either i suppose. it’d depend on what i want to learn & which offered the better program.

38: A relationship with love or one with sex?

love. if i could have a relationship with love then it could lead to marriage which would then be okay for me to have all the sex i wanted without feeling guilty. a relationship with only sex would get boring. love connects people in many ways, sex without love is only physical.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?

heck no. lol. i need to work on this.

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?

ehh, some horror movies are alright, but i can’t remember the last one i saw that really spooked me out & i feel like that’s kinda the point. now thrillers, ooh yes those are some of my favorite movies! although the suspense that happens in thrillers bout gives me a panic attack, i love them!

41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?

lmbo no.

42: Do you swear in front of your parents?

nope. i have like once in front of my momma & technically we were on the phone & it was just the other day. i don’t make a habit of it especially since i try really hard not to cuss at all.

43: Coolest thing you’ve ever been for Halloween?

well considering i was a ghost half my child years (a sheet with two holes, yupp i was that child).. i’d say i loved when i was a ballerina & then when i was 23 my ex & i went as geeks together & it was super cute & fun.

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?

i’ve always wanted something like a bright red all over, or keep my black hair but get super blue streaks.. i now have lilac & blue hair chalk so i can’t wait to use it this summer!

45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?

omg yes! i definitely want to get married & i want four more babies. although, depending on when i get married the number of children might change, but at LEAST 2 more.

46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.

i do have one, it’s purple, & says pink.

47: City or nature person?

city. i’m not big on the outdoors unless i’m at the pool soaking up some sun for a nice tan.

48: Have you ever used something other than “makeup” as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)

haha i’m sure i probably have. let me think. i’ve used loose glitter {non makeup kind} for my nails, i’ve used body lotion in my hair, & gel pens to draw tattoos when i was little haha.

49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you’re a guy?

i’m not a guy, but yes i can.

50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!

i believe in God.

i’m smarter than i realize sometimes.

i’m moving to florida soon {can’t wait}

i love to write {hence the blog}

i’m a mother.

we want someone to be sympathtic to us when we’re feeling low.
we tell others to get over it & be strong.

we want to be told the truth.
we lie all the time.

we want someone to love us endlessly.
someone messes up we immediately start to hate them.

we want someone who will forgive us.
we show zero mercy when someone wrongs us.

we want someone to be gentle with our feelings.
we don’t give any grace when someone opens up.

we want others to make us laugh all day long.
we have nothing but sarcastic remarks.

we want someone to be so patient with us.
we roll our eyes when we get bored after a few minutes.

we expect others to give us a second chance.
we cut people off without even hearing the whole story.

we wish someone would pick us up when we’ve fallen short.
we continuously push others down.

we want someone who will see our faults & still see our best.
we’re so quick to only point out the worst in others.

we wish someone would come back and say, say it’s not over.
we move forward without thinking twice.

we want people to be kind to us & treat us fairly.
we can be so cruel.

love. hope. faith. positivity. grace. mercy. forgiveness. happiness. help. kindness. approval. confidence. beautiful. passionate. safe. strong. proud. humble. protected. generous. admirable.

choice.

regardless of what we all want out of our lives.. in the end.. we are all searching for the same thing in all of our dreams & goals. we all want to feel loved, to feel good enough.. like somebody cares, like we’re not alone.
the next time you feel like pushing someone down, whether it be with your fists or words, remember how you’ve felt when you’ve had the same done to you.

be better. do better. live better. love louder. don’t let this world take the best parts of you. rather leave the worst parts behind.

{xoxo} ♥

► play the moments ▌▌pause the memories n stop the pain ◄◄ rewind the happiness. 

so i decided to take a look back at the past year. i didn’t make any new year’s resolutions. i don’t really believe in doing all that. it’s fun when you’re a child, but i’d rather set some goals for myself this year instead, some things that are actually realistic. 

so much happened in 2012, just like every other year of life. there was happiness, pain, anger, regret, excitement, fun, sadness, passion, setbacks.. you name it, it happened. am i glad 2012 is over? yes. i. am. i know that just because we’re in a new year doesn’t mean everything from last year is erased & didn’t happen. however, i do think it’s a nice way to think of a fresh start. i hope to have lots of fresh starts in 2013. they all don’t need to happen in the month of january {especially considering there’s only a week left of it anyway}, but i hope for change this year. typically change terrifies me & i’m not saying i’ll be ready for everything thrown my way this year.. but i’m ready to be scared.. to feel alive.. bring it on.

january:

that’s a complete year ago. what was i up to? not a whole lot actually. i was looking for employment so i spent most of my days then sitting in bed watching tv shows & being nosey on facebook. excitement i know. *insert your own sarcastic tone* i was dating at that time & so i did spend quite a few days out of town with my “boyfriend”. why did i put boyfriend in quotation marks? well, the guy i was dating.. we weren’t actually “official”, but we had dated for 4 years previous to trying to date again. lol. anyway. i will say the most positive thing about that month had to be our new year’s eve service at church. it was the first one i had attended since i had just started going to deliverance temple that previous summer. it was an awesome service & i was excited to bring in the new year with my friend nicolle & our church family.

february:

oh the month of looooove. or so one thinks. lol. i don’t remember a ton about this month except i had finally found a way to make some money. i started babysitting 2 children, but it didn’t last long. i think maybe 3 weeks, 4 tops. i can’t really state why it ended so quickly, but i was glad to be able to pay my rent & finally have an income again. nessa came to stay with me for about 4 days the weekend of valentine’s day.. we decided to be each other’s valentines. it was a fun weekend if i do say so myself! we hung out, cooked, went out, shopped, saw a movie {the vow, which we both agreed did not live up to our expectations unfortunately}.. i had so much fun! the best part of that month was when nessa & i booked our tickets to go see natalie in houston the following month, which brings me to…

march:

i started working at devon’s {my pastor’s wife} daycare & i was so excited. i hadn’t known devon too well prior to working for her so it was amazing to get to see & talk to her each day. we learned a lot about each other in a short period of time & boy does that woman make me laugh! [more like choke!] she is hilarious! anyone who knows me well knows i love me some babies so it was the perfect fit at the time! nessa & i left for houston on a saturday & nessa returned the next friday. my trip got delayed twice so i ended up staying until sunday. i had so much fun in houston visiting natalie. we went to an aquarium, out, shopping, to brunch at this place that had amazing breakfast, caught up on so much, went to the beach.. we did a lot! also during the month of march my relationship officially came to end. i’m still not completely over that heartache, but i think a piece of me never will be. 

april:

i don’t remember of ton about april either.. i remember i did have a good easter. i went to richmond & i was able to spend some time at my dad’s house & see my nephew & then i spent the rest of the day with my momma & little brothers. things at the daycare were going well & i was adjusting pretty good. someone came back into my life i hadn’t spoken to in months, miss paula :) i was excited we were able to work things out because once we started talking again it didn’t take us long to catch up like we never fell apart. & in april i booked myself a plane ticket in april to go to…

may:

oh this month. may was extremely bittersweet. i was able to see my bestfriend brittany quite a bit, but some of the circumstances i wish would have been different of why i got to see her. i stayed with brittany the night before leaving for tampa. i went to see my friend lawrence {whom i hadn’t seen since july of 2011} & i got to spend time in tampa with roxanne too which was great. brit drove me to the airport & i really appreciate that because my flight was at like 7am so we had to leave richmond at 5 & it was rainy & dark. i spent 10 days in florida & most of the days were good. i haven’t spoken to lawrence since before leaving tampa, but i got to know roxanne a lot better while i was there so i kind of broke even i guess. when i got back i spent the weekend with brit at her house & sadly that was the last time i saw dad {her dad, but we’ve always been family}. dad passed away 10 days after my weekend there. he fought cancer for a couple years & finally God took him home. i can’t even put into words how i felt that week. i remember brit texting me & i immediately left muncie to go be with her & mom. still to this day i miss him so much. i randomly cry, but not just because i miss him, but because i would do anything for him to be back with brit & mom. brittany is the most graceful person i know {even though she’s crazy clumsy, love you!}.. the amount of strength she has carried through everything literally amazes me. i can learn so much from her & she doesn’t even know it. God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed us back in each other’s lives. 17 years of [best]friendship will most definitely turn into a lifetime & i wouldn’t want anyone else by my side ♥

june:

my friend cierra texted me in june {we had also fell out the previous fall} & she said i had really been on her heart & mind.. so i called her. we talked for a while & we’ve been great ever since. we spent some days together at the pool in june {& july & august lol} & as always it was fun hanging with her.. we always have some laughs.. like her lil slip trying to jump in the pool & no i don’t mean she fell bahahaha. love you boo! i moved into my new apartment in the middle of june & i was so excited. my first night here i made a little bed on the floor until the next day my sister & brother-in-law brought me a bed! it was great having my own space again! 

july:

geez i guess my memory is just slipping because yet again i don’t remember a whole lot about this month. i remember i spent the 4th of july with my friend nicolle. okay so i cheated & just looked at my facebook haha. also in july i went to jerel & anteria’s wedding with mykael, devon & the boys.. they’re wedding was so nice & i had so much fun at the reception. little dreylen was my date of course, my poor boo thought we were getting married next. brit & i went to see the new batman movie {the dark knight rises} & as always there was a bunch of ridiculousness. my seat was broke so brit kept saying i was going to fall during the movie which we would’ve both just bust out laughing! we always have the best times! another friendship was mended in july too.. i’m a lucky girl :)

august:

i started my new job in august. i now work at the hospital in housekeeping. it’s not bad at all. i actually don’t mind the job part most days, it’s the nosey people that typically annoy me. new employee orientation was SO boring! i was sick so i was already tired & listening to people speak for 8 hours was just not happening, i definitely fell asleep off & on throughout the day. oops. i was still working at the daycare at this point too. i don’t remember anything else.

september:

MY BIRTHDAY MONTH! lol. i’m big on birthdays.. i mean a whole day to celebrate yourself & it’s okay, who wouldn’t want that?! {crazy people, that’s who} i spent my birthday weekend in cincinnati & it was almost perfect. i had a lot of fun & went shopping for myself, ate good food, went bowling at 9am with my friend, it was a good time lol. 

october:

i feel like october was pretty boring. i finally had to quit the daycare because i took a temporary position at the hospital & the hours were conflicting. i regret that decision, but it was kind of one of those things you had to experience to know.. life. nessa came to visit my new apartment for the first time & we went shopping & out to eat i believe? i got a new boyfriend in october, but unfortunately that’s the only sentence he deserves in my writing. {& he doesn’t even deserve that much, yes we’ve broke up since, thank God}

november:

BABY GIRL’S BIRTHDAY! my sweet girl turned SIX in november! INSANE! i always say she’s supposed to still be a baby! she’s growing up so beautifully though in every way imaginable. she’s so sweet & funny & kind & independent. gosh i love her.. more than anything. & my mama bear takes the BEST care of our sweet girl! those two are my world! i spent thanksgiving day with ariane at her grandma’s house, the food was delicious! then we just kinda chilled all day & visited some more family until we did the whole shopping thing. we started at walmart, went to target, & ended at the mall. it started raining though so i told her i was done haha. my straight hair & rain do not work well together. no no. i got some good deals though! :]

december:

this was my FAVORITE month of the entire year. i got to spend the day with my lil love baby! me & my mom went & met mama bear & camboo at “cookies & canvas” where we all painted santas. it was SO much fun! then we went to lunch at o’charley’s & she loved the gifts i took her from myself & cameron & the ones from my momma too! after we sat there forever talking we took baby girl to gigi’s cupcakes & we sat there forever too. it was seriously just the best day! i couldn’t have asked for anything better! december was a pretty good month overall actually if i think about it. i got to see my cousin michael bly & we went to lunch {he lives in jacksonville}. i spent the entire christmas day with brit & we went to see my dad, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, nieces, baby brothers & then we went to mamaw & papaw’s where mamaw cooked us BACON! lol. after that we went to the movies to see “this is 40” & then we went to see my momma before i had to drive back to muncie since a snow storm was coming. i was SO sad i didn’t get to see the roark’s this christmas, that’s always my favorite since we only see them once a year, but if i would’ve stayed i would’ve been stuck too long. i miss my twinnie. 

so way more than i even explained in my little month-by-month happened last year. but i will tell you a few more things that don’t really matter the order.

i lost 2 friendships {one by choice, one not}, rebuilt 3, & gained a few.. i like those kind of odds.

i’ve been working on my self esteem because although i don’t like being skinny, i’m learning to just embrace it. it’s HIGHLY unlikely i’ll gain much, if any, weight in my lifetime so i decided to just love the way God made me. i’m also extra awkward {so my friends say hahaha}, but i’ve been learning to just be myself around others anyway. those who appreciate & love my quirks are worth my time & those who don’t.. well, why should i care? i shouldn’t. last summer when i was in tampa i remember roxanne telling me “your lack of confidence is devastating”. i remember our whole conversation behind why she told me that & it’s always stuck with me. i actually really appreciate her being that honest with me. i don’t want to be devastating in a negative way. i want to be able to carry myself with self-love, confidence, & all my quirks! i want to be able to see her again & her notice how much i’ve just been trying to let it all go.

i’ve also learned that so much that happens in life, doesn’t happen on our time. we can try our hardest to have things happen when we’d like, but it just simply doesn’t work that way. we can’t choose when someone will walk out of our lives or when someone new will enter. we can’t choose who will break our hearts or who we’ll fall head over heels for if we open up. we can’t ultimately decide a lot of things, but one thing that is certainly our choice.. is having FAITH & lots of it. i’ve messed up a ton the past year & the ONLY one who’s never fallen short of picking me back up is God. His love is unwavering. i know sometimes i try to push Him away because i feel ashamed or scared of someone loving me so immensely, especially when i don’t deserve it & yet, He’s still there. 

i hope this new year brings a lot of positive changes & i hope i find in myself all the things i’ve been searching for. i’m hoping & praying for the absolute best. 

hello 2013, be good to me ♥

so all my blogs are honest. if anyone ever wants a peak inside how i’m feeling my blog is a good place to look. i hold a lot in most of the time, but when i blog i just let it all (well, close to all) out. i always feel so much better after i write. i keep a journal, but my handwriting is atrocious, especially when i’m trying to write a lot. good luck to whoever ends up with my journal one day when i die.. it’s barely legible to me so i can only imagine someone else trying to decode it lol. 

i’m feeling a little down right now. better than i was even 20 minutes ago though. i’ve always been an emotional girl, that’s not really a secret. i’m mushy, compassionate, sensitive.. it’s just the way i was created. i used to take shame in it, but not anymore. i think the world could use more compassion if you ask me. i’d rather be overly emotional than a cold stone. oh well.

anyway, i started crying earlier because i felt so overwhelmed with being annoyed, frustrated, jealous, stuck.. just everything in that moment. swollen eyes is not a flattering look on me. who knew? 

i got it together & decided i’ve been needing to blog anyway so might as well now. 

the thing is.. i’ve become content with not settling for any man just because i want a husband & a family. the problem currently is i just keep asking that whole “when is it my turn?” “will i ever find him?” “is it even meant for my life?” … yeah the whole 8 yards {i don’t like odd numbers.} 

sometimes i wonder what if a husband & more babies isn’t what God has planned for my life? what will i do then? i have NO idea because i never let my mind wander past the actual question.

if it is meant for me.. when?! i don’t want to say i’m sick of waiting on God’s timing, because i’m not. i just have some days where i feel ridiculously impatient about it. i’ve been in love, once. i want to feel that again, but with someone it’ll last forever with. i still love that man, we’re just not together & it’s okay. i learned A LOT from that relationship, from loving someone else.. i was happy, i was hurt, i did wrong, he did wrong, A LOT went on for the 5 years we dated. i used to wish i could change some of it, but now i don’t. if i changed one thing who knows what else would’ve been different. we weren’t perfect, but we were us together & i am so grateful for the time we did have together. this isn’t about my relationship with him though. 

i also often wonder if i’ve already met the man i’ll marry. do i know him? have i seen him? have we spoken to one another? do i even like this man as a person right now or would it take some change? again, i have NO idea. i’ve had an old friend tell me he prayed about us & he wanted to take me on a date. we never did go. he said he honestly felt like we were supposed to go on the date & he believed one day i’d be his wife. sometimes i wonder if i’ve messed that up or if my honesty was what was right at the time. maybe i’ll never know & that’s okay actually. 

sometimes it takes some time to yourself to feel better. and after writing this i feel a little more at peace. when i go to bed tonight i’ll pray & talk to God & talk to him about my husband. i’ve been praying for my future for quite some time. i may not know him, but when i do he will know that i’ve always been praying FOR him. i want to be an amazing wife & i will strive for it everyday once i am. i know a lot of people dream for different things, whether it be fame or fortune, but i dream of a family… to have a loving husband, sweet lil babies, & to be a good wife & mother. some might find my dream silly, but that’s fine.. it’s my dream, not yours. 

have a good night [xoxo] ♥

sitting there.

daydreaming.

wishing.

praying.

hopeful.

she wonders.

she worries.

she smiles.

the tears.

the laughter.

the time.

the now.

she’s in awe.

what to think.

the like.

the more.

the deep end.

the shallow part.

she hears you.

she drowns you out.

a raging storm.

a calming soul.

the link.

your hand.

your kiss.

your breath.

everything changes.

it all stays the same.

she’s scared.

she’s anxious.

so closed.

so free.

she gives in.

she gives up.

hopeless.

relentless.

she’s up.

she’s down.

she worries you.

moves you.

the nothing.

the all…. ♥